Self Revision
by belle.nisce
Summary: Sam x Lirael. 'Hello. My name is Sam. We met about three years ago, and kind of saved the world together...' Unsent letters to a missing presence in Sam's life. Post Abhorsen. Oneshot.


Self Revision

* * *

**A/N: **Another bit of pathetic Sam that makes (most of) us want to hug him. Please don't flame me saying how nasty you think Lirael/Sam is. If you don't like the pairing, either suck it up to see what you think of the actual story, or don't read it. Flaming about the pair wastes your time and makes you look like an intolerant fool, and does absolutely nothing to either help me or change my views. Thank you. Other than that, I love feedback. Enjoy.  
**Note: **Only the last letter is sent.

* * *

_Dear Lirael,_

_How are you? I am doing just fine. I think. Mother's—Sabriel—should I call her Sabriel or mother? Which would you prefer? Is my calling her 'mother' disconcerting? Well, you know whom I am speaking of—_

_Oh good. I've just wasted all this parchment writing about absolutely nothing._

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lirael,_

…_Or should I call you aunt?_

_Hmm._

-o-o-o-

_I've decided on Lirael because I don't like thinking of you as an aunt,_

_Hello._

_I can't send this to you._

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lirael,_

_How is everything? I have not seen you in quite some time, and I've just been wondering how you were since everything happened. Mother (Sabriel to you) has been secretive about the both of your whereabouts, but I know that whenever she disappears, she's probably with you. I've thought about asking if I could go along with her, but Ellimere keeps me locked up with 'studies' she calls it, but it's basically some nonsense with court workings and math and one particularly annoying list of tips for ballroom dancing with girls that I don't need anyways._

_The truth is, it feels quite strange not to see you every day. Maybe I've grown accustomed to having you by my side._

_Now I have to talk to myself and imagine your answers for you in your absence. _

_Not that you talked much to begin with._

_Well, that's not a bad thing, really._

_I liked that about you, actually._

_Sodding hell._

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lireal,_

_I've just gone and spelt your name wrong! Jolly good!_

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lirael,_

_You know what I really did like about you? That you never talked nearly as much as those court ladies do, but when you did, your words always stuck to me hours later, ringing in my ears long after you yourself forgot what you said. I suppose it's easier to imagine you being around because of your continual silence when you _were_ here, but it's getting harder by the day. Not that I miss you that much._

_Anyway, I've talked it over with my parents and Ellimere, and though mother (Sabriel) sees you weekly, they agree that you're too overdue for a visit. Ellimere really wants to show you the rest of the court, and also she says that she's got to get you in for some dress fittings so she can see you dressed up. Father says last time you only discussed politics, and that he would like to get to know his in-law better. Mother_

_Who do I think I'm fooling?_

_I just want you to come and see me._

_But for your own good. Because I don't miss you that much._

-o-o-o-

_You know what, Lirael?_

_I hate that you've been moping over Dog for so long you can't even gouge out a few days to come and take me out of this hellhole. Yes, you're reading this right, I think you're being really sodding dumb. God knows how much that animal meant to you, and she really was decent, but isn't it time you stopped trying to drown yourself in work in attempts to distract yourself?_

_There are better ways to go about moving on and what you are doing __**is not one of them. **__One of the ways, or so I've been told by some of the lesser nobles of the court, is to surround yourself with loved ones. We're loved ones, you know._

_I'm a loved one._

_It's not like I miss you though. _

_Because I don't._

_I just think you're being stupid, is all._

_And I'm bloody angry._

_Because you are acting really STUPID._

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lirael,_

_Hello. My name is Sam. We met about three years ago, and kind of saved the world together. Remember that?_

_Where have you gone?_

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lirael,_

_I don't know what to do with myself. People have suddenly started expecting things of me, and I'm afraid to disappoint them. They expect me to be some great hero and suddenly older and wiser, when in fact I'm only older and all the more lost and confused. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'll be in ten years. All I hear is "Wow, Wallmaker, what a future you'll have," when I don't even know what Wallmaker means. _

_Can't I just build things for the rest of my life in my little room? That seems to be all my head and hands can handle these days; I'm afraid to venture out in public for fear of being called a role model and in the next instant disappointing them by tripping on my own feet. _

_I've lost myself, Lirael. Who am I?_

_I think you're the only person who can tell me. Right? Because they say when you've lost something, you have to retrace your steps back to where you're sure you originally had it. And the only sure moment when I knew who I was was when back when we were fighting side by side, just the two of us. _

_Life was such a straight road back then. Fighting the Dead was a tangible task I could handle—kill them, move onto the next bunch and kill them too. Sameth the fighter, Sameth the companion of Lirael. _

_Now I'm Sameth the Legendary Wallmaker and I just don't know anymore. I feel like I'm being unconsciously suffocated by my own kingdom and that I'm in some sort of nightmare that is actually a paradise that I just don't belong in. _

_I need you here to remind me who I am. I feel like I'm dying a little bit more every day. I stare off into space when I'm with friends, I have no appetite for my favorite meals, and in plain words, I'm dying and I feel like an idiot while doing it. And I've finally figured out that maybe it's because you took some piece of myself with you when you left me. That piece you took is probably the one piece that knew who Sam really was, because the rest of me definitely doesn't. Please come back to me, if only so I can put myself together again._

_But actually I might want you to keep it, the little piece of me, with you. Just to remind yourself of me every day, so I can know and be reassured that I'm with you when you wake and when you go to sleep. Because the truth is I think I'm in love with you. _

_I don't know when it started, only that as far back as I can remember, it was like I was always half-asleep or a half of me was numb until I met you on the Ratterlin River. Or maybe that's just because my leg was injured for so long until we met and you healed it. But I like the first definition better, because that would mean you're the one._

_And if you're the one that means I won't ever feel right again unless you come back to me. And if you're the one, shouldn't that mean I took a piece of you with me, too? And that means you're probably just as lost out there wherever you are as I am here in Belisaere. _

_Unless I've got this all wrong, and you're doing just fine._

_If that's the case, don't answer this, please. I'd rather not know, and stay the way I am but with the delusion that you are my one._

_No. I take it back. No matter where you are and how you feel, I want you here._

_Please… come back to me._

_Because Lirael: I'm in love with you. I love you._

-o-o-o-

_Lirael,_

_I'm not in love with you. It's purely platonic._

_A nephew-aunt sort of thing. I'm still sort of lost as to who I am, but if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that we're somehow related (still sort of foggy as to how and I intend to remain that way—joking—I think) and I am not in love with you. I just love you. Like a nephew loves his aunt._

_Except we're only a couple of years apart and I didn't know you were my aunt until two years ago and you're only a distant aunt, so really, it wouldn't entirely be my fault if I were, would it?_

_I don't know how much longer I can kid myself._

_NO. I'm not in love with you. I swear I'm not._

_You can stay wherever you are. I'm sure you have business to attend to, and I don't want to keep you from more important matters. Because I don't really miss you that much (or love you) so whenever you feel like visiting, you can. Or, you don't have to, really._

_Because I'm afraid of what I might do if you show up. _

_Because if I saw you I probably wouldn't be able to keep up this false charade anymore._

_Well, actually nothing would happen because I'm not in love with you._

_I, Sameth, do not love you, Lirael._

_I swear it._

_Well I do, just in a familial way. Not in that way._

_I do NOT LOVE HER. …YOU._

_I don't…. I don't._

-o-o-o-

_My Dearest Lirael,_

…_That's disgusting._

-o-o-o-

_My Dearest AUNT, AUNT, __**AUNT**_**AUNT****AUNT**_ Lirael,_

-o-o-o-

_Lirael,_

_Perhaps, in another life, do you think we could have been together? Had we none of our current responsibilities or titles, and if you were just a country girl from Belisaere and I was, say, a simple carpenter… do you think we would have been happy together?_

-o-o-o-

_Lirael,_

_I MISS YOU._

_SO. DAMN. MUCH._

_THERE. I SAID IT._

_P.S. I LOVE YOU._

-o-o-o-

_Dear Lirael,_

_Please visit soon if you have the time. We all miss you._

_Sincerely,_

_Sam_


End file.
